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22nd-Apr-2013 08:42 pm(no subject)
So I'm living in a house with my "girlfriend".  I use parentheses because while she also refers to me as such, and we have had some amount of physical contact that would reinforce the definition, our relationship is much more skewed toward a caregiver/care-receiver sort of mechanic instead of mutual partnership.  While normally this wouldn't be A Thing for me, being a natural co-dependent, the fact that I am displeased with some common behavior that could be modified to make my "job" less difficult is apparently an issue.

So I'm upset about cats peeing all over the house (after I have busted my ass to try to get it livable again) for months?  Well, now there is a fear that "I will never be happy here".  I'm slightly irritated about the fact that  dirty dishes never get picked up off the floor unless I do it (when I otherwise do all the dishes and keep the kitchen civil)?  Well, there is a fear that "our lifestyles are simply incompatible and I will never be happy here".

To me the things I am displeased with are things that most people would have something to say about, and probably a lot more vocally and a lot more often--and a lot sooner than I did.  Nobody wants to be in charge of keeping a house clean when the other residents don't seem to give a shit about helping to maintain it.  It's fucking INFURIATING that I am being looked at as some sort of unreasonable, psycho neat freak because I'm angry about having urine all over the house and being the one primarily expected to clean it up (be default due to inaction on the part of everyone else).  To me I feel betrayed, because the deal was that I would come here and get the house into a state that could be maintained, from the state of disaster that it was in before--and that the only thing that I would not deal with was cat waste.  So far, that deal has been broken, broken, broken, as I am still doing just about everything around the house, and I am faced constantly with the job of soaking up cat pee, scrubbing up cat vomit or picking up cat poop.

And yet I am told that I am wanted here.  That I am cared about and that nobody wants me to leave, when I ask about it--usually after I get bizarre attitude at my being pissed off about, well, piss.  But amid all this other language, what does this all end up translating to me as?  "I want you here, but only because you can cater to my needs, and only if you keep your mouth shut and let me do what I want, when I want".

Is that harsh?  Probably.  Is it entirely accurate?  Probably not.  But it *feels* that way when I am at the height of my frustration.

I feel stuck, and I feel terrified most of the time.

I'm no fool.  I may be be bipolar, and have anxiety issues, both that are presently untreated, and I may have "downswings" as a result of that--but I am NOT in such a depressive rut so often that people are "afraid I won't be happy here".  I'm not such a Debbie Downer that people "don't know what to do with me when I'm like that".  I can count on one hand how many actual downswings I've had since I got here nearly 5 months ago.

I love Nonny dearly, I do.  But after having had to take so much time to sit back and evaluate the relationship I just exited, I have learned to question things rather than just take them at face value and "learn to live with them".  It's not healthy that I am constantly told that *I* am the one in the wrong for having the feelings I do.  It's not healthy that I have to always walk around on eggshells because I'm afraid of setting off a panic attack or something else with her.

More and more I am starting to see things as if I left one abusive situation only to jump into another one that at the very least is unbalanced and unhealthy for me.  And I don't have anyplace else I can go, because I have no money, and I have health issues now that prevent me from finding the kind of pissant menial work I was able to do before in order to support myself.  I have no idea where to go from here, but the thought of continuing to live here while having to always wear the mantle of "I will always be wrong" if I do...  I just don't know what to do anymore.
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